9/22/2008

Feeling wholly defeated.

Verbatim:
in a nutshell, i'm down because everything seems to be going against the grain for me. i'm usually up for a challenge, and can face big changes head-on, but everything hitting me at once is just making me feel defeated. my roommate/best friend/ex-boyfriend (of four years) is moving out in a week. i knew he wouldn't be around forever, but it's still extremely hard for me to finally let him go. i know i'll be down for a while after he's gone. i have to decide if i want to stay at my job (a job that's making me miserable) and wait until i can end it on good terms with a secured new job, or just leave and spend my days forging through the great unknown, hoping i land something else soon (even if i have to settle for a joe-job). also, i don't have a car, which means once paul leaves i'll have to start commuting to work by bus (over an hour each way). i can do that, but if i found a job downtown i'd have a 20-minute commute. not to mention the glamor of working downtown. i still don't know how i'm going to pay off my student loans. my two other best friends (plant and nicole, also co-workers) are pretty much a duo right now, leaving me to be the third wheel. i just found out that one of my favorite uncles is in a coma, one of my sisters is depressed, and another sister is in the hospital for surgery. to top it off, i spent the past two and a half months turning down guys and otherwise killing my dating life, because i thought i was pursuing something at least semi-worthwhile, only to find out that i'm easy to walk away from.
so... yes. lately i've been extremely exhausted, abnormally quiet, a little bit snappy, and devastatingly unmotivated. i wish i could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i know that it'll take a lot of effort on my part before i get there, and i really don't think i can muster the effort right now. overall, i'm pretty much disheartened by everything.

9/08/2008

Discipline or Masochism?

I'm feeling much better. I think I had a therapeutic weekend. I went nonstop for the entire duration, but I think it was good for me. I feel better. There's nothing like wearing myself out to the point of exhaustion, and pretty much beating the concern and worries out of me. It seems like an interesting way to go about one's life. Maybe I've found exactly what I need...

9/04/2008

Wicked Game

Is there any particular reason I feel like my whole earth is falling apart? I don't understand why the foundation is falling away from me. I thought I had everything under control.

Nothing is in control. Everything is wrong.

I thought I could handle this. All of it. Not a single thing is right for me at the moment. I don't know what to do.

8/03/2008

Holy Year, Batman!!

Upfront: I did not come here to update you on my entire past year. In fact, the amount of time that's passed since my last update is precisely what's kept me away for so long. I just don't want to be faced with the task of trying to remember all the best things that have happened to me over the past year, just to tie them all up in a neat little concise package.

Why am I here, then? Quite simply, because of a boy. I'm being one of those giddy, girly, pathetic losers who goes ga-ga over the thought of talking to that someone she has a crush on.

Yes, it's safe to say I'm over Paul. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you need the "yearly update," which, again, I do not plan on writing. Just give me a call every once in a while.)

The problem with me being brain-mush over this boy is that he lives really far away. And while that isn't entirely a huge problem (with all this modern technology floating about), I really would like someone to hang out with, go see a movie, have dinner, snuggle on the couch with.

Hopefully he's coming to visit me soon. During that time, the plan is to have roughly the best 3 days of our lives (including skydiving!). And really, I'm extremely looking forward to the visit. He's never been to Portland, so I get to show it to him through my eyes. Though he's not quite like any of my other friends, so who knows, I may even end up seeing Portland in a different way.

You know what though, I feel like I'm getting way too caught up in this whole thing. I mean, really, I barely even know the guy. I'm probably getting too far ahead of myself. In fact I know I am.

I guess what the real question here is, why am I letting myself get soo swept away by someone who I just met, and lives in another state?

5/27/2007

Stressed and Complaining

My right eye has been twitching at least once a day for the past several weeks. It doesn't flutter, it's more like it just gets stuck at half-mast for an instant while I'm blinking.

My back is always stiff. Basically, I feel soreness when I move in any direction. And of course the mattress doesn't help. It never does...

I'm tired all the time, except for at bedtime. That's when I can't seem to calm down enough to let myself fall asleep. Or rather, my mind won't settle. And when I do sleep, it's light and broken.

Luckily, headaches have been infrequent. Though my mind still goes slow when it comes time to use it.

The good news: I finished Editorial Illustration a few weeks ago, and in Student Studio we'll be finished with the project and with the client on Wednesday (hopefully). So that means I can put all of my (very meager) energy into Senior Seminar and Portfolio Professional Development. Yay.

4/23/2007

Deadlines

1 week 'till my birthday.

2 weeks 'till our move-in day.

7 weeks and 4 days 'till graduation.

I am so excited.

3/26/2007

Ketchup

Already done with another term of school. And now I only have one left before earning my valuable piece of paper and venturing out into the real world. But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. Ima tell you 'bout the breeze that was Finals Week, Winter '07.

But first, leading up to finals: I don't believe I've made one mention of the giant group project I've had to work on for Environmental Graphic Design. This class (certainly not to be confused with Green Design) covers the graphic design found in spacial settings, and one of our projects for the term was to make a sort of museum exhibit to be produced in full scale, but no larger than 7' tall x 5' wide x 2' deep, and its subject could be anything design-related. So my group and I came up with "Creative Blocks" as a topic, and worked happily on it all term, then finished construction on the Saturday & Sunday before its Monday Due Date on finals week. Then Sunday night I finished up the other project for that class (it was a "Dale" class, you know how he gets... homework up the yazoo), and Paul printed it for me Monday morning to be ready for the afternoon final.

Oh, and here's a picture of our finished project! It's currently on display on the second floor of the school, in the alcove across from room 263.

My next final was Tuesday night, and all I needed for that class was two copies of my mini-book. So Monday night , Paul and I fell asleep promptly upon our home arrival (after our final we had gone out for a couple drinks with Ryan, so we got home at about 9, I think). Then we woke up at about 3 or 4 in the morning, and worked until completion on our mini books. Paul's, by the way, looks really cool. His whole identity is D&D-themed, as explained in his most recent blog posting. Anyway, that was the day I went to Lazerquick and ended up pissed at the world before 10 am. Luckily I was able to cool off shortly after ranting, and the rest of the day went fine, including the presenting of my mini book, which was very casual. My next final wasn't until Thursday morning.

In the meantime, however, I needed to evacuate my apartment. This is the term that my lease was up, so it was finally time to take all my stuff away from the strangers living with it. So I spent Wednesday on packing my belongings into boxes. I was missing a few plates, nearly all my cups, a few pots and pans, my knife block, and probably some other things I can easily replace and I don't care much about. But, I was also missing several pieces of art I did that I can never replace! For this, I am very upset. The two pieces I am most concerned about were the two I received numerous compliments for. I don't consider myself an artist, and these certainly weren't masterpieces. But I am damned sentimental, especially when it comes to something that I made and am rather fond of. I know it's my fault for leaving my stuff there for so long with people I don't know/trust, but still. It just really sucks.

Anyway, Wednesday night was spent staring at the internet, then at about midnight I opened up my homework files only to decide that there were no more changes I needed to make before printing out my final project. So I went to bed rather late (after returning from KINKO'S), and the next morning all we had to do was hand in our final zines before we were sent on our way. I did some more packing at my apartment, Paul's and Ryan's cars were loaded up, and we made our trip up to Centralia for my stuff to be stored at Paul's parents' house. Then we were back in Portland, Ryan went home, Paul and I loaded up his car again, and we were on our way to C-town once again (but not before me forgetting my phone in the apartment after I had already turned in my key... That was pretty crappy).

And so came Friday, a big day for a few of my friends. Paul and I went to the Portfolio Show, gathering the business cards of everyone we came across. The Graphic Design show was extremely small compared to other terms. And they all had good books (some better than others, of course, but no one had the usual last-minute, terribly-crappy-projects book). Ryan's was fantastic, of course. Then we went to the ceremony to watch Ryan walk. Afterwards, we swung by Angie's after-party, then settled down at Ryan's party at The Kennedy School. It was a relaxed night, not meant for heavy drinking, Paul and I decided. That would come Saturday night.

And it was so. Saturday brought David's predictable end-of-term party, which Paul and I attended after catching a flick in Beaverton. We watched Zodiac, which was largely just a disappointment. Jake Gyllenhaal never fails to dazzle the eyes, though... Man what a cutie! The party was without music, which meant no dancing for me (which is a first!). Still, I think everyone had fun. I did, anyway, and I know Paul did, and so did Ryan. And that's good enough for me. The cops did show up at one point, however... They did the last time we were there, too. But last time, whoever answered the door was smart enough to not let them in. This time it was a smart-mouthed moron who's largely lacking in humility. So, in the cops came, collecting everybody's ID's, then leaving again, giving a citation only to the big-mouth. They didn't ask us to break it up, they didn't tell the under-aged ones to go home, they basically just gave us a warning to screen who we let into the party, and be careful of the morons like the one they cited.

So all-in-all, an eventful week. Now I'm hoping for an extremely un-eventful week, as it is my only bit of vacation before returning to my final three months of school. I'm hoping it won't be as hellish as I'm expecting it to be...