I miss blogging. I do. I know I was never really all that serious about it, and I would never have called myself a "blogger" even when I was writing here regularly. But it did serve as a welcome brain-dump of thoughts; whether or not anyone ever read it was not the point for me. I like writing things out. It helps me navigate the web in my brain at times. That being said, I think that's something friends are supposed to help you do. I don't think I ever picked up the necessary friend-making skills required for actually having friends, however. In Portland it was easy because everyone I came in contact with just happened to be absolutely amazing, and our friendships happened 100% organically. Although I do recognize that I didn't exactly go out of my way to make friends. Nearly everyone I know from Portland or from college was due to them being in a very close proximity to me, whether physically or situationally. Even since joining the military, the friends I had back in Monterey were very much born out of our extraordinarily similar situations (my closest friends were the ones I went to Basic Military Training with).

So now, here I am in beautiful Georgia, bored and friendless. I have yet to take up any lasting hobbies, whether productive or not. I was briefly excited about the possibility of building miniature landscapes during the winter, but that died-out before I even finished painting some of the scenery. I bought some fabric last summer in order to make a nice sundress, and acquired some more fabric in the fall for a throw blanket in hopes of tying-in the living room decor, but I have yet to so much as unfold any of it much less create anything or even occupy a bit of time. Existing in this unique community has presented several opportunities for various "nerd" activities, and I have had a bit of feigned interest in Warhammer 40,000, and before I left Monterey 2 years ago I was just starting to learn how to play Magic: The Gathering. My interest in 40K was really more in painting a little army in great detail. Honestly I'd probably end up giving the whole troupe to my husband. I have gone "frolfing" a total of one time since living here. I had fun, and there are a ton of courses around here, but I have a hard time finding other people to play with, especially at my terrible skill level. I ventured out into the night life once or twice, but discovered I left it behind for a reason. Occasionally an acquaintance will notice that I'm being rather reclusive and will invite me to X-activity, except most of the time apathy wins me over just before I'm supposed to leave for said event.

Let's take this weekend for a perfect example. This weekend was not just a long weekend, but an *extra* long weekend. I can't remember the last time I was handed a 4-day weekend. However, despite me looking forward to this the past few weeks, I have made zero plans with anyone to make the most of my time off. Sure, it's nice to "wind down" every once in a while, but not when that's already how you spend the majority of your time. So yesterday was my first day off. My goal for the entire day was to acquire a decent juicer (for my upcoming lifestyle change #4(?), following a trend-covered list of other healthy food diets). Well, I accomplished my mission at about 5 in the evening. I cannot speak to the actions of the entire rest of the day or evening. Today was even less eventful. I actually believed I was going to get myself out of the house today... There was a big social event out at the lake called "Day at the Beach" or something like that. Earlier this week I had invited a friend to bring his family out so we could all go out together. But a couple of days ago I heard the family talking about other Saturday plans, so while I could have reminded them that this was going on today, I didn't make any attempts to contact them about it this morning. I could have gone by myself, but let's be real– what's the fun in that? Tomorrow and Monday will include my husband, but even still our biggest plans include watching several TV shows (the Modern Family disc I got from Netflix this morning, a couple movies still in the theater, and the brand new season of Arrested Development which debuts tomorrow!).

I know this is sounding more like a giant whine session than anything else, but quite honestly I miss just writing things down as a hobby. I haven't had the time until now, and if I'm going to sit by myself every evening for the next three months, I'd rather it were filled with some sort of purpose. Even if it just disappears into the ether having never made any difference on anything, except for on my sanity.


On Friends

When I was maybe 20 I had an unpleasant conversation with a friend. He was comparing me to another of his friends; a girl who was about 25. He told me that she was sure of her actions, confident, moved with conviction and purpose. Her personality was bold and interesting. My friend disliked that I was unlike her. He told me that I was more-or-less wishy-washy, slow to come to conclusions, unsure of myself and certainly lacked confidence. I replied, "don't be so hard on me. I'm only 20... I'm sure that when I'm that age I'll have gained a better grasp on myself."

Somewhere around that same age I had another really close friend. I was more comfortable with her than most of the people I'd known in my entire life. I told her everything, she told me everything, we talked about girly things like "our feelings" and "the right way to apply makeup." This was all pretty new to me, but I was happy with how naturally it had come and how easy it was to be friends with this girl. Then one day came when she really needed someone. Her long-time boyfriend had just broken up with her, and the only thing in the world she needed was a friend. I wasn't there, but said I'd be there soon. Instead, my boyfriend convinced me to go to dinner with some other friends, which lasted much, much longer than I'd anticipated. By the time I got back to her she was rightfully very angry with me. I felt extraordinarily guilty, and still feel guilty about it even to this day. Whether this was true or not, in my head she never quite looked at me the same. She could no longer count on me, and I expected she'd no longer be a shoulder for me. In my eyes, this was a major rift which caused a chain reaction in my life in the years to come.

I had a few other 'best friends' in the years prior. Two of the closest both ended up running away from their homes. In each case I understood that it was their unsatisfactory home-life which they were escaping. Nevertheless I felt abandoned by both of them, and our relationships were more-or-less ended.

Another long-time friend whom I was rather close with set the events of our digression into motion without even realizing it. She was the type of person who was big on inside jokes, so occasionally I'd adopt one of hers for my own use (only in conversations with her, of course). One day she exploded at my use of one of her jokes, even after she'd been laughing along with me for months. On top of that, she threw in a few other insults. I felt like a scorned puppy who truely didn't know any better. I didn't want to be on the receiving end of someone's apparent instabilities, ever again. I had/have no idea what was going on in hear life at the time. She could have been really stressed, who knows. I probably didn't think much of it even a week later, but the fact that the memory's still with me (this probably occurred in middle or early high school) tells me it probably caused a scar deeper than I'm fully aware of.

Now I'm about to turn 25, and I don't have many (less than a handful, unfortunately) good friends I keep in regular contact with. It does make me sad, but I know it's entirely my fault. I spent so much time building fantastic relationships with wonderful people, but I've only let them fall away from me. I'll be going into the military in a matter of weeks, and who knows how long it'll be before I see any of them again. I feel even less wise or certain without my friends, yet for some reason I've developed what nearly seems to be a fear of contacting them. Of course I know exactly how to remedy this, but lamentably I've grown quite content to sit alone in a quiet basement.



Proceed at own risk; high levels of grumble ahead...

So, for those of you who haven't heard, I was supposed to be enrolled in Basic Military Training as of right now. I would have spent Christmas there. And I would have brought in the New Year there... All the way up until just before Valentine's Day. However, since entering the Air Force has proven to be one big headache and disaster after another, I will not be leaving until April.

I have mixed feelings about the fact. On the one hand, this gives me more time to prepare my body and perhaps my mind. And I get to spend more time with my charming boyfriend, which is fantastic because I want all the time I can get with him before I have to leave for several months on end. Also, I'm spending the holidays in the company of loved ones, which is definitely preferable. However, I was really riding on the fact that I'd be leaving in mid-December. That wrench thrown into the mix kind of threw me for a loop. Upon hearing the news (five days before I was supposed to leave), there may have been slight hyperventilation and watery eyes on my part... but once I talked to a few people and calmed my nerves, recovery was fairly quick. This means, however, I am on the job hunt once again. Cabin fever, boredom and pacing about are strongly-prevalent in my daily activities. I've also started chopping at my hair again... it's getting shorter and shorter... Blah blah blah...

I did really enjoy having long hair, by the way. It had gotten the longest it had been since I cut it my junior year of high school. Long hair kept things interesting. I originally cut it a couple of weeks ago in anticipation of making light of my personal maintenance in boot camp, but I'd forgotten how easy and cute short hair can be!

Anyway, writing this blog post is the most productive I've felt in weeks (when not chopping my locks off). I made Josh a painting, and started another one but only got discouraged when I realized it was much more complicated than the stuff I usually attempt. You'd think that with all this free time I'd be finding all sorts of creative ways to keep myself busy... but it's been the contrary. I've found no inspiration, no motivation, and no reason to even want to leave the house on most days. I want to be productive. I really do. Which is why I feel guilty every single time I sit down to watch a movie or play a card game. Josh has been into this computer game for the past week-ish... I've played it a few times, but have been avoiding it for the most part because I'd rather it were a time filler rather than a time passer. Soooo... I haven't been journaling, blogging, painting, photographing, designing, or anything creative. And anything non-creative makes me feel reprehensible. Also, I haven't done many push-ups or sit-ups... All this free time, and I the idea is still deplorable to me. I know that having a job, even part-time, will change a few things. Anything that puts productivity into my days would breathe some life back into me. I'm desperate for a breath like that at this point...



I've been lucky

For far too long. Seems I'm finally getting the things I deserve. :/


Yo Snacka Snacka!


Top 3 Purchases in Paris

I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but since I've returned from Paris life seemed to start rolling faster and faster, and while I could barely keep up, before I knew it I had been back in the states for a full month. At any rate, I would love to get back into the habit of writing again. Even my personal journal has greatly missed my presence in the past few weeks.

In Paris, we were bombarded with bad luck every way we turned. But there were a few things that stood out; purchases which guaranteed goodness and dared to make our lives easier during our stay. If you ever visit the City of Light/Love, I wholeheartedly recommend sparing some change for these three particular items.

Purchase no. One:
A week-long pass for the Metro (or a few day passes if you won't be staying a full week...). The system is complicated. You're tired or hungry and confused and can't fully communicate with the people around you. On top of that, you have to figure out your route on the train system (or brave the nightmare that is driving in Paris... good luck with that!), to see your sights or return home for the day, plus figure out which ticket to buy, and how much of the fare you really should be paying. And if you manage to do that successfully, you have to figure it out again in a few hours when your ticket expires.

Having a week-pass I'm sure saved me from many, many tears. You show up at a station, wave your card by the entrance doors, and voilĂ ! You're already half-way through the potential headache. If you know what train you need to be on, all you need do is board, then you have plenty of travel time to navigate the rest of your trip. Look at you, being all savvy and avoiding some unwanted attention!

Purchase no. Two:
A bike tour (preferably at night, which includes a river cruise and wine!). Actually, I wish I would have taken this trip more towards the beginning of my stay, because it locates excellent sites to go and explore further on your own time. We went with Fat Tire Bike Tours, which is filled with super-friendly folks, filled with helpful knowledge and all English-Speaking (our tour guide was a surfer-dude from Southern California who was in love with the Parisian culture).

Purchase no. Three:
ANY pastry. Not kidding. This people is famous for their baking for a reason! You owe it to your tastebuds (and your peace-of-mind) to sit outside a café, order up a pastry and coffee, and take in the sights. People-watching is, after all, their favorite passtime. There are a lot of interesting things happening in the streets. Sit back and enjoy it.

Hope I helped! I hadn't had really any advice before I had gone to the city. Just a few rumors on their attitude. If you can make it to Paris, go! Whether you have a bad experience or an excellent one, it will last you a lifetime, guaranteed!


I make'd a movie!