Feeling wholly defeated.
Verbatim:
in a nutshell, i'm down because everything seems to be going against the grain for me. i'm usually up for a challenge, and can face big changes head-on, but everything hitting me at once is just making me feel defeated. my roommate/best friend/ex-boyfriend (of four years) is moving out in a week. i knew he wouldn't be around forever, but it's still extremely hard for me to finally let him go. i know i'll be down for a while after he's gone. i have to decide if i want to stay at my job (a job that's making me miserable) and wait until i can end it on good terms with a secured new job, or just leave and spend my days forging through the great unknown, hoping i land something else soon (even if i have to settle for a joe-job). also, i don't have a car, which means once paul leaves i'll have to start commuting to work by bus (over an hour each way). i can do that, but if i found a job downtown i'd have a 20-minute commute. not to mention the glamor of working downtown. i still don't know how i'm going to pay off my student loans. my two other best friends (plant and nicole, also co-workers) are pretty much a duo right now, leaving me to be the third wheel. i just found out that one of my favorite uncles is in a coma, one of my sisters is depressed, and another sister is in the hospital for surgery. to top it off, i spent the past two and a half months turning down guys and otherwise killing my dating life, because i thought i was pursuing something at least semi-worthwhile, only to find out that i'm easy to walk away from.
so... yes. lately i've been extremely exhausted, abnormally quiet, a little bit snappy, and devastatingly unmotivated. i wish i could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i know that it'll take a lot of effort on my part before i get there, and i really don't think i can muster the effort right now. overall, i'm pretty much disheartened by everything.
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