I'm making a name for myself...

And it isn't pretty.

I need to put on the brakes. Fast.

Things and stuff

Not exactly sure how or what I'm feeling... General exhaustion, maybe.
Fatigue. I'm happy to be out of re house right now, but looking at all
the awesome things I can't buy for my friends doesn't exactly
constitute a good time.

On another note, I feel like I'm burning a few too many bridges, and
quickly. Pretty soon I'll be burnt right into isolation.

And finally, on a happier note, I'm really looking forward to the LAN
party this year. It's gonna be awesome to see everyone.

I feel like there's a lot more to say, but I can't really put a point
on any of it. Blah. Later.

and then... (aka how i spent my seattle vacation)

Tom: Tell me a REAL STORY!

Callie: haha, kay.

got there thursday night, lucas and drew picked me up, then we went over to drew's bro's house (tyler) where he and his gf made us enchiladas. then we watched the office.

drove up to bellingham that night and went to bed. friday... well, i don't really remember what happened friday morning. but friday evening drew and i went to a restaurant where they have the grill and cook your food in front of you

that was fun

and tasty!

then we went to a martini bar with bobbi, drew's roommie

i had a really tasty martini, and i decided that i need to go out for martinis more often

oh wait! hah, i remember the rest of that day

i went to work and school with drew

even got to go to a class and listen to a few of his peers give lectures on technology-related subjects.

then we went to the mall, where drew bought me a pretty dress for the wedding we were going to.

then saturday was the wedding. in the morning we went to... somewhere? then to a park on the water where we walked the boardwalk for a little while

then went home to get ready for weddingness

the wedding was in seattle on a boat. it was really pretty, and pretty fun! open bar, really tasty dinner, music and dancing and lots of cool people

i made a few friends! i like when cool girls think i'm cool.

Tom: rad

Callie: then sunday, well, i can skip sunday right?

since it's all detailed elsewhere

Tom: sure if sunday had no details

Callie: what? i told all about sunday. i could copy and paste, if you want :P

Tom: why'd you say just now that you'd skip sunday then?

Callie: that day we went to ihop for breakfast, then lucas got into town and we went to a play, "And Then There Was One" (comedy/satire/murder-mystery). After that we went frolfing (aka disc golfing), then to an ice cream parlor where i tried rose-flavored ice cream, and i managed to wear about half of the treat. apparently i've forgotten how to eat fun things. by this point it was dinner time, so we went to some bar/restaurant place and had taaaasssty burgers. then back to drew's place, watched iron man, then lucas drove me down to seattle. i promptly passed out.

Tom: very nice

Callie: the rose ice cream was pretty good!

they had other cool/weird flavors too

Tom: sounds really interesting

Callie: like vanilla black pepper

Tom: huh

Callie: k, then monday i was in seattle again. me n lucas went to his school and he gave me a tour of the campus. it's beautiful. it made me want to go back to school.

in the common square they had sidewalk chalk, so we colored for a lil while on the bricks

i made a dragon

2 dragons

a bigger one, and a cooler one

Tom: nice

Callie: then we happened upon a pretty cool art gallery. it claimed to be the coolest art gallery in seattle, so of course we had to stop in.

and yeah, it was pretty cool. i wanted lots of the pieces in there.

then went to a chocolate factory, where i had an earl grey truffle, and a burnt sugar truffle. both were tremendously delicious!

Tom: wow

Callie: then we walked down to the canal where we ate our chocolates.

Tom: Earl Grey truffles are delicious

Callie: talked of renting a canoe

they really are!

ended up going to a couple of parks instead. the first one was overlooking the water, with downtown in the distance

oh, that's where the picture i sent you was from, btw

Tom: oh okay

Callie: then we went to a park in the middle of the city, but it's in a valley with lots of trees, so it feels like you're in the wilderness since you can't see or hear the city

then i caught my train home!

the end

so did i effectively bore you to death with my seattle story? 'cause that's why i don't tell stories. i'm not the greatest at making them sound interesting. i have a more simplistic view on storylines.

Feeling wholly defeated.

Verbatim:
in a nutshell, i'm down because everything seems to be going against the grain for me. i'm usually up for a challenge, and can face big changes head-on, but everything hitting me at once is just making me feel defeated. my roommate/best friend/ex-boyfriend (of four years) is moving out in a week. i knew he wouldn't be around forever, but it's still extremely hard for me to finally let him go. i know i'll be down for a while after he's gone. i have to decide if i want to stay at my job (a job that's making me miserable) and wait until i can end it on good terms with a secured new job, or just leave and spend my days forging through the great unknown, hoping i land something else soon (even if i have to settle for a joe-job). also, i don't have a car, which means once paul leaves i'll have to start commuting to work by bus (over an hour each way). i can do that, but if i found a job downtown i'd have a 20-minute commute. not to mention the glamor of working downtown. i still don't know how i'm going to pay off my student loans. my two other best friends (plant and nicole, also co-workers) are pretty much a duo right now, leaving me to be the third wheel. i just found out that one of my favorite uncles is in a coma, one of my sisters is depressed, and another sister is in the hospital for surgery. to top it off, i spent the past two and a half months turning down guys and otherwise killing my dating life, because i thought i was pursuing something at least semi-worthwhile, only to find out that i'm easy to walk away from.
so... yes. lately i've been extremely exhausted, abnormally quiet, a little bit snappy, and devastatingly unmotivated. i wish i could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i know that it'll take a lot of effort on my part before i get there, and i really don't think i can muster the effort right now. overall, i'm pretty much disheartened by everything.

Discipline or Masochism?

I'm feeling much better. I think I had a therapeutic weekend. I went nonstop for the entire duration, but I think it was good for me. I feel better. There's nothing like wearing myself out to the point of exhaustion, and pretty much beating the concern and worries out of me. It seems like an interesting way to go about one's life. Maybe I've found exactly what I need...

Wicked Game

Is there any particular reason I feel like my whole earth is falling apart? I don't understand why the foundation is falling away from me. I thought I had everything under control.

Nothing is in control. Everything is wrong.

I thought I could handle this. All of it. Not a single thing is right for me at the moment. I don't know what to do.

Holy Year, Batman!!

Upfront: I did not come here to update you on my entire past year. In fact, the amount of time that's passed since my last update is precisely what's kept me away for so long. I just don't want to be faced with the task of trying to remember all the best things that have happened to me over the past year, just to tie them all up in a neat little concise package.

Why am I here, then? Quite simply, because of a boy. I'm being one of those giddy, girly, pathetic losers who goes ga-ga over the thought of talking to that someone she has a crush on.

Yes, it's safe to say I'm over Paul. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you need the "yearly update," which, again, I do not plan on writing. Just give me a call every once in a while.)

The problem with me being brain-mush over this boy is that he lives really far away. And while that isn't entirely a huge problem (with all this modern technology floating about), I really would like someone to hang out with, go see a movie, have dinner, snuggle on the couch with.

Hopefully he's coming to visit me soon. During that time, the plan is to have roughly the best 3 days of our lives (including skydiving!). And really, I'm extremely looking forward to the visit. He's never been to Portland, so I get to show it to him through my eyes. Though he's not quite like any of my other friends, so who knows, I may even end up seeing Portland in a different way.

You know what though, I feel like I'm getting way too caught up in this whole thing. I mean, really, I barely even know the guy. I'm probably getting too far ahead of myself. In fact I know I am.

I guess what the real question here is, why am I letting myself get soo swept away by someone who I just met, and lives in another state?