On Friends

When I was maybe 20 I had an unpleasant conversation with a friend. He was comparing me to another of his friends; a girl who was about 25. He told me that she was sure of her actions, confident, moved with conviction and purpose. Her personality was bold and interesting. My friend disliked that I was unlike her. He told me that I was more-or-less wishy-washy, slow to come to conclusions, unsure of myself and certainly lacked confidence. I replied, "don't be so hard on me. I'm only 20... I'm sure that when I'm that age I'll have gained a better grasp on myself."

Somewhere around that same age I had another really close friend. I was more comfortable with her than most of the people I'd known in my entire life. I told her everything, she told me everything, we talked about girly things like "our feelings" and "the right way to apply makeup." This was all pretty new to me, but I was happy with how naturally it had come and how easy it was to be friends with this girl. Then one day came when she really needed someone. Her long-time boyfriend had just broken up with her, and the only thing in the world she needed was a friend. I wasn't there, but said I'd be there soon. Instead, my boyfriend convinced me to go to dinner with some other friends, which lasted much, much longer than I'd anticipated. By the time I got back to her she was rightfully very angry with me. I felt extraordinarily guilty, and still feel guilty about it even to this day. Whether this was true or not, in my head she never quite looked at me the same. She could no longer count on me, and I expected she'd no longer be a shoulder for me. In my eyes, this was a major rift which caused a chain reaction in my life in the years to come.

I had a few other 'best friends' in the years prior. Two of the closest both ended up running away from their homes. In each case I understood that it was their unsatisfactory home-life which they were escaping. Nevertheless I felt abandoned by both of them, and our relationships were more-or-less ended.

Another long-time friend whom I was rather close with set the events of our digression into motion without even realizing it. She was the type of person who was big on inside jokes, so occasionally I'd adopt one of hers for my own use (only in conversations with her, of course). One day she exploded at my use of one of her jokes, even after she'd been laughing along with me for months. On top of that, she threw in a few other insults. I felt like a scorned puppy who truely didn't know any better. I didn't want to be on the receiving end of someone's apparent instabilities, ever again. I had/have no idea what was going on in hear life at the time. She could have been really stressed, who knows. I probably didn't think much of it even a week later, but the fact that the memory's still with me (this probably occurred in middle or early high school) tells me it probably caused a scar deeper than I'm fully aware of.

Now I'm about to turn 25, and I don't have many (less than a handful, unfortunately) good friends I keep in regular contact with. It does make me sad, but I know it's entirely my fault. I spent so much time building fantastic relationships with wonderful people, but I've only let them fall away from me. I'll be going into the military in a matter of weeks, and who knows how long it'll be before I see any of them again. I feel even less wise or certain without my friends, yet for some reason I've developed what nearly seems to be a fear of contacting them. Of course I know exactly how to remedy this, but lamentably I've grown quite content to sit alone in a quiet basement.

S.O.S.